Learning to Surf

How has your world shifted in the last four months? I suspect that most of us have felt a sea change. We may not yet understand all the ways our world has changed or will change, nor have we fully grasped all the ways we have been and will be impacted. The changes can at once feel both exciting and overwhelming. I have been reflecting on the saying from Jon Kabat-Zinn, “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”

As the world around us is changing, we may find that our own plans are shifting, including our work plan or our retirement plan. For those who choose to continue working, the way work looks has and will change in most cases. Some folks who were soon ready to retire now feel they can't or don't want to retire. There will be many others who hadn't yet planned to retire, but now suddenly find themselves retired. It may be that while we were previously focused on finding something meaningful to do, now we may be more focused on how to just be well and content in our downsized world of options.

The reality is that no matter what our transition, it takes energy, whether positive or negative. If it lasts over time, we need to be particularly present to taking care of ourselves. How are you doing that? Let’s take a look at what we know about the dynamics of change and some simple strategies for how we can take care of ourselves in the midst of this time.

When we look at change, William Bridges’ model is one of the most widely known. Bridges names three stages:

• Endings: This is when we realize that change is happening and there isn’t anything we can do to stop it or go back. We realize there are things we are losing and learn to manage those losses. Think of it as letting go.
• The Neutral Zone: This is the stage when the old is gone and the new isn’t fully formed yet. I call it the long, restless middle. When we find ourselves in this stage, we may be imagining how things will be, taking in information that we think may be useful going forward, and reckoning the old with the bits of the new we can see but it isn’t time to really get on with the new yet. Think of it as hanging out.
  
• New Beginnings: This is when we are developing new approaches, attitudes and even values. We begin to understand how we fit into the bigger picture and often, we feel a sense of renewal and new sense of direction. Think of it as emerging.

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The stages don't neatly line up in a linear fashion, where one ends before the next begins. They overlap and we are often experiencing aspects of more than one at a time. We can go forward or backward in our stages, much like grief.

It is common, when going through change, that we want to get “back to normal”.  Yet the truth of change is that we aren’t going back to the old normal. There will be a next normal at some point, but we don't know it yet. Getting ready to go back to the old is a common and very human reaction to change.

Another common reaction is called ‘change-back’ where we will see a faction of a group or even a part of ourselves deny change is happening and seek to make sure the new ideas and behaviors developing don’t work. This, of course, delays the inevitable. The longer the neutral zone is, the more change-back we see.

In these past four months, we have encountered a number of waves of change. We've experienced some endings (some we may not even realize yet), and we may be beginning to see some of the new that is emerging. I suspect most of us are feeling the restlessness of a long middle. It is not easy to be in all three places. We will each move at a different pace through change. There is no right or wrong pace, only great ways to take care of ourselves as we move through. With all these waves of change, are you learning to surf? It is as important as getting to the other side. Here are some simple questions to ponder and ideas to let soak in as you journey through each stage:

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During Endings:

1. Of those things that aren't true any more or are not happening now compared to four months ago: What have you lost? What do you acknowledge now that needed to change? How might you simply name those things so you can be intentional about leaving them behind?
   
2. How can you symbolically say good-bye? Some ideas could be casting something off into nature (but not leaving trash) that symbolizes letting go or floating something such as a leaf or blossom down a stream or writing a letter saying good-bye.
   
3. Think about and be grateful for your lungs breathing out the old.

In the Midst of the Neutral Zone:

1. Acknowledge the uncertainty of this stage.
2. How can you celebrate the way you have adapted to things thus far?
3. Focus on gratitude for the way your heart is consistently beating and carrying you through this long middle and also for how your digestive system is helping you ‘digest’ all the change while sorting what is helpful from that which should be let go.
4. Pay attention to what you are attracted to during this time. These may be little urgings pulling you forward into new beginnings.
   

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Moving into New Beginnings:

1. New beginnings may bring up reminders of endings as we see more clearly what is really finished. It’s okay to have a new round of grief or some anxiety as you embark on a new beginning. Give yourself time to do that.
2. Take extra care of yourself by doing calming activities so you are feeling free to take little risks as you try on the new ways. Some ideas would be: getting extra rest, meditation, breathing exercises, spending time in nature, taking Epsom salt baths. You know best what soothes you.
   
3. Be intentional about envisioning what the new will look like as it takes shape. The clearer you begin to see it, the more you will move in the direction of making it happen.
4. Focus on your lungs faithfully breathing in the new with each inspiration.
   

Finally, and most importantly, how can you make this fun and easy’? When I work with people in the midst of transition, that is always part of our quest. How can you take what seems overwhelming and break it into a really simple next step? Can you find places to laugh along the way? Giving yourself ease is one of the kindest things you can do for yourself and it is a way of knowing you are truly surfing the waves.

Are you in the midst of a transition and want to stay healthy? I can help you with meaningful ways to take stock, plan and live a next great chapter with more happiness and wellbeing. Our work will help you find an 'aha', move it to an aspiration, get out of being stuck, and then put it into action to live your life in a way that matters for you. You never know, you may even learn to surf!

E-mail me: ruth@ruthtongen.com to get started now on building your next chapter.